Ruri's writing a blog

I'm fine. Disclaimer thingy. I'm really fine, I'm safe, I'm not despairing, I'm not intending on killing myself nor am I self harming or death seeking right now. I just want to try to decipher why my mind is thinking of those things and sort this shit out. ---  I thought I was fine earlier when I was washing dishes and caught myself saying "I want to die!" out loud. I mean, I have these intrusive thoughts all the time and I also often catch myself saying them out loud. It's relatively normal. I still thought I was fine earlier when I saw news on the internet that a influencer of my age died and my reaction was to feel envious "Wow, good for them!". I mean to be honest, that caught me off guard, because I immediately went "Wow, I'm really having mental health troubles today. YIKES.". That was the first time I remember it happening. Then now I closed my eyes and found comfort in making a plan about how I'd kill myself and fant...

 That's it. That's the post. Also I just watched a short by Dr. K. that says we don't need to run away from our negative emotions. I don't need to resist them or condemn them. They just are and are part of me and the circunstances where I am right now. Also I'm probably PMSing but even if I wasn't, emotions come and go and nothing is real anyway. ANYWAY, that's not what this post is about. I feel more at ease now, as if I could let go of the negativity that is plaguing and paralyzing me for now. I hate my parents, both of them. No matter how much they try, how much they love me, how much good they do to me, how good they are as people. Right now I despise both of them and want nothing to do with them except the material security they provide. I hate to be like this I really do. But I'm just being honest, even if it's so ugly it makes me want to cry. I really grew to despise them as people even though the worst they did to me was being ignorantly hurt...