It seems like I want to kill myself today. TW Suicidal ideation again :[

I'm fine. Disclaimer thingy. I'm really fine, I'm safe, I'm not despairing, I'm not intending on killing myself nor am I self harming or death seeking right now. I just want to try to decipher why my mind is thinking of those things and sort this shit out.

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 I thought I was fine earlier when I was washing dishes and caught myself saying "I want to die!" out loud.

I mean, I have these intrusive thoughts all the time and I also often catch myself saying them out loud. It's relatively normal.

I still thought I was fine earlier when I saw news on the internet that a influencer of my age died and my reaction was to feel envious "Wow, good for them!".

I mean to be honest, that caught me off guard, because I immediately went "Wow, I'm really having mental health troubles today. YIKES.". That was the first time I remember it happening.

Then now I closed my eyes and found comfort in making a plan about how I'd kill myself and fantasizing about it.

Hmm. I really am not in a good state of mind today huh. But it is the funniest thing. I'm not suicidal. Despite this entire mess, I really don't think I am LOL, can you believe it. I do concern myself a little though now that I have a plan.

Maybe a combination of hormones, anxiety about the future, self hatred, lack of connection, hopelesness, meaninglesness and exhaustion got me today. More specifically I guess I ended up watching true crime and drama videos again and I guess it really harms my mental health, like, for real. The world is a nasty, irrational, hopeless and terrifying place. I should really try to avoid them in the future úwu

Also recently I've been feeling like social media is dumb and stupid and want no part in it. Which is TRUE, but that was my only window out of this self isolation hole. If that is also meaningless, on top of all my shallow and unfufilling real life relationships, then I feel like I'm closer to drowning.

And as always, distancing myself from my own comics makes me suicidal. That's just a fact XD that I tend to forget from time to time bc of short term memory. Even though doing this comic jam is totally a positive thing. I may also be feeling anxious, lacking, undeserving, anticipating my ego telling me i might win something while also dreading the negative results if i don't win anything. Yeah, I know. It's stupid, it's ridiculous, I just don't know how to uninstall this stupid program out of me! And trust me, telling me it's ridiculous or just to stop the program from running doesn't work FL. ANYWAY.

But it does give me perspective that I'm really unfit for doing odd jobs here and there or changing careers cuz I really might want to die. Or maybe I'll stop wanting to die after a while. Who knows. I surely do not. Maybe if one day I feel like self harming I might "self harm" by getting a random job like a commission or whatever. Isn't it hilarious.

Anyway, I was trying to resist eating a ramen. Ive been eating those almost every day these past few days. But I do feel more cheerful now that I ate one. Tomorrow I'm going to get another of those 15 minute cardio videos and get my butt kicked again. It's horrible but I'm kinda looking forward to it. Exercising is just painful and honestly it's self care and self harm all rolled up in one.

I wonder what I should draw now. Well, back to the grind. Also yes, even when I feel distanced from my comics, thinking they're meaningless and worthless just like myself, it will always be a shame to die before silksong.