Ruri's writing a blog

I'm sad about having to give up my relationship with my dad who I love very much, at least for the time being. I'm sad about betraying myself and for losing trust in myself on every basis. I'm sad about losing trust in the world, in people and in the future. I'm sad about taking so much time to figure things out that it cost me everything that my life could have been at this point. I'm sad at how things were in my life. I live in constant mourning man. I really do and this is me figuring out how to process it instead of just numbing it down.

 I'm not sure of what I want from life anymore aside from running away. I made stories and characters to run away from life, and now that I put them as my way of life, I want to run away from them too. It seems like I don't really want to see these stories come to fruition, nor do I fame or a readerbase. I want peace. I want to be free from judgement, expectations and ego. I want to be free of my identity of being incompetent. I want to be able to do things without being weighed down by what people do or don't do... And for that, I need to work on my meditation. First and foremost. I seem to be afraid of working on my meditation too because I'm afraid of change but. I can aknowledge and be aware of the fear and the pain. Now that I know it, I can work through it. I'm so hungry... I'm anxious so I'm trying to stuff myself with food.

 Your parents will think that they have failed you They have. Your siblings will miss your voice. I don't have siblings. Your pets will be waiting for you to come home. They'll move on just fine. Your best friend will be missing their other half. I don't have a best friend. Your mom will remember the way you smile when you eat the food she made for you. I don't care. You'll never be able to listen to your favorite song ever again. I don't care. You'll never be able to achieve your dream. I won't be able to anyways. You'll never know if you met the one. I'll never meet them anyway. There's always a way to solve your problem. Nope. My angry reactions to a short vid about me searching why life is worth living lmao Comments: "Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else" - Kakashi Hatake pft. My eyes rolled to the back of the skull first time i read it though. I'm fine though in the sense that I'm not acti...

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 on my parents. Because they set me up for failure. Because they failed to give me the tools to navigate life. Because of direct things they said or did. Because of how they reacted when I was in the thick of it. And my depression ruined my life. That seems to be what I "feel", at least. --- I feel fundamentaly broken and unfit for life. Someone who doesn't belong anywhere. Someone who isn't capable of doing anything. And while I remain feeling like that, I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive my parents. --- Every morning when I hear my mother nagging as soon as she wakes up, I reject her. I reject who she is, what she thinks, what she does, how she does it. I bottle it all down. I zone it out. I drain my resources just to erase her from my perception. Everything she does reminds me of everything she has already done that "ruined my life". And I resent. No matter what she does, what she gives, the progress she makes. The gap between us is a giant gulf...

 I don't want to cause people pain, but I wish I could die.