I fucking hate myself

 Anger aimed at the self... They say this is what depression is. When you feel wronged, and you can't afford to turn it to anybody else. When you feel wronged because you wronged yourself for whatever reason. For your love for others who never saw you.

I wake up from a long dream, everyday. A dream in which my life was long past. A dream in which I missed it all. A life that I have no more time to.

But they're wrong. They're all wrong. I still have time. This is the only life I got, no matter how many other lives I dream of. And yet... My hatred of myself that brought me here remains. And it wants me trapped.

I don't want to direct this anger to others. But I feel it, like a beast thrashing about, hungry for any target. The people I love, or myself. I wanna crash out. I want to die.

Money...

I dreamed about money today. About how my entire family was badmouthing my cousin who, unlike me who can barely stand to touch money, has told me also has unhealthy relationship with it, although from the other end of the spectrum. They all hated him for being irresponsible, for not understanding how much things cost, for not making enough and trying to live a lie. That was all in the dream, although I don't think it is completely accurate to real life.

I woke up with a heavy heart. I shed some tears. It is funny how me, who used to abhor crying now celebrates when I finally get some tears out. We really tend to cherish what we don't have.

There was a power surge.

And it broke my train of thought. I went to the bathroom thinking about how fun it is to write this blog entry, thinking about a scenario in which I wrote a well selling book. Then I forgot it all as I played my farming game while seated in the toilet. It took too long for my intestines to decide to evacuate.

Right now I feel...

A little drowsy, a little thirsty. Thirsty for a sugary drink, although I don't feel like any sugary drink will satisfy this thirst. I think I'm going to draw again. Writing is fun. Having a clean undistracted mind is fun.