Finding a Reason to Live

    People who struggle with intrinsic motivation understand. Moving for yourself is hard.
    I'm in a situation where I currently forgot. Forgot why. Forgot how. Maybe tired. Maybe blown off tracks. Maybe just having a phase. Maybe I'm so excited about Kimetsu tomorrow that I'm in that anticipation paralysis. I feel like I'm losing sight of everything.
   How should I act to return to that state where I was driven, content? I am inclined to let myself sink a little more in this pit so I can feel again - the real fear of losing myself - in order to move. That feels like the path of least resistence. The image of Sei letting himself sink into deep dark waters always comes to mind. So peaceful. But Sei is immortal and had a real death wish. I have a living wish that I wish to retrieve. Maybe I should sink myself in the pool, fully knowing that I don't want to drown. Maybe that will wake up some desire to live back in me.
    I'll try to move my body however I can. I'll try to breathe deeply as often as I can. I'll try to talk about my stories as often as I can. I'm scared. Whenever I distance myself from my stories, I feel afraid. Were they always that small? Were they always that insignificant? I can't, don't want to live without them. The thought of doing so terrifies me to my core. And when they don't shine, I don't feel the desire to do anything.
    I honestly hope Kimetsu is underwhelming tomorrow. Kimetsu is beautiful and does "cure my depression" from time to time, but I feel like I need a time of boredom. I wonder if I haven't been over stimulated lately. I hope I can get some quiet, calm and isolation now.
---
    "I love myself"
    "I'm fine with who I am"
    "This is fine"

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