Gloomy Thoughts During Period

PMS could have been the reason, but it's not like I don't have topics to have glomy thoughts about. These past few days my "want to die" intrusive thoughts have returned and I also dove back to the usual hole of lamenting things that happened in the past, things that I was, things that I am, things that I feel helpless to do anything about.

I think that is my biggest hurdle. I feel helpless. If I can't have agency about things that matter to me, I enter a self destructive spiral. If I can't set healthy boundaries, I redirect the resentment that should be going towards others towards myself. And a lot of the energy I should spend towards something positive goes to managing my broken psyche.

I want to stop thinking about the past. About things that have been said or done. 99% of these things hold absolutely no meaning, but I cling to them as if they were a life sentence. I don't know why. I realize now that they were said clumsily, without any thought behind, contrary to their true intent. How do I stop clinging to them - I ask myself.

Literal noise that resembled words. Broken static. I wish we had better ways to communicate.

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Diary thingy 02/03/2024

Fui buscar a Midi de manhã. Não lavei a louça. Deh veio hoje. Tava meio deprê. Fiquei esquisita durante a visita inteira. Estava deprê a manhã inteira. Comi um monte. Pastel de belem, pão de queijo, almocei praticamente 3 vezes. Hoje teve yakissoba. Frieren foi perfeito. Muito muito bom. Comecei a desenhar lá pelas 17h. Terminei de pintar uma rei agora a 1am. A energia acabou duas vezes hoje. Depois de ter apagado pela primeira vez eu fui dormir ao invés de andar ou tentar desenhar de novo. Não saí com os cachorros hoje, mas toquei um pouco de piano. Finalmente cortei as unhas do pé tb. Conversei com a bassa tb. Boa conversa, meu humor está um pouco melhor agora a noite, mas preciso dormir.
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