Not Enough Time To Tell All My Stories And Draw My Manga + Rabbit Gaiden Big Summary

     I'll finish a page today no matter what - I say as I still am not focused at 18h50. I feel bad for my late night self. In fact, maybe I should give up finishing page today and just go to bed and start the day early. Wake up early and finish page before 12pm or something. I did draw stuff today, not much, but progress is progress. I am just super distracted by my own stories and my hand stops moving. Yesterday I streamed to force myself to draw and I did get 1.5 panels done but it was quite painful. Working is painful because managing one's focus is painful. I wonder if I should take ADHD meds again or if I should just suck it up. Sucking things up is complicated because what has historically happened to me is that I burn out mega hard after a while. But I bet 99.9% of people would just tell me to suck it up, as that's what people who work do. But the thing is I'd probably find much easier to focus on manual work than on creative work, or if I had other people working around with me... I say as someone who has the priviledge of always quitting her jobs when I started feeling anxious about them.

    These days I have been waking up early, I do indeed have. But I wake up with my mind filled with stories and end up just seeing them play in my head while laying in bed, effectively making me get up way later. Maybe this is a bad habit that I should quit, but I adore spending time with my stories. It's so much fun. But I also admire people like Tanjiro who can't stay still and enjoy working, but I'm not sure how to incorporate this in my life. That's really what all my troubles boil down to. I don't know how to work consistently and I'm always distracted. And if I cut down distractions, I'm always under stimulated, and that's a whole different kind of mental agony. Which is a natural effect of living in isolation though. Without the internet I have almost no human interaction, but the internet is a terrible distracting place. Literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. The same place, and for years.

    And as you all know I am stubborn. I am so stubborn. I'll not let this dream go, even if I'm stuck in the same spot for years and years. I just don't want to, and if I can make the choice, I will just not budge. Maybe I should consider the time I spend thinking about my stories as work too. Since it's from those moments that I'll know what to draw later. That is not a complete lie but I really should get my hands moving somehow. I'm going to pick my pen again and give it my best shot. Which is funny because I initially opened this blog post to start writing about the stories I was thinking about today, namely Rabbit and Horsie. I think I'll really end up including the part that <TRIGGER WARNING SEXUAL ASSAULT> Horsie, the cool macho hero man, gets sexually assaulted by Rabbit's sister and a whole bunch of terrible heavy tragedy stuff. I was thinking of not going that far but honestly, the story just holds more water like this. Hm, let's see if I can summarize it.

• Rabbit and twin sister are the youngest princesses of the royal family.
• All of the royal roles had already been filled by other people, leaving the twins forgotten and neglected.
• They only had each other for a long while. Rabbit relied on her sister by being the more insecure one and her sister relied on her for being wanted and cherished.
• Their relationship was still a little toxic because her sister purposefully suffocated and diminished Rabbit so she would always need her help to do everything.
• That all changed when Rabbit discovered she had magic, and suddenly she had a role and was needed in her family.
• The sister tried very hard to use magic but she just didn't have it. So instead, she trained and studied very hard in order to chase after her twin sister's sudden importance.
• Rabbit's sister was envious of her, and hurt that she was left behind, and even though they fought, they still loved each other. Rabbit really admired how capable and strong her sister was.
• A little older now, when they were teenagers, the two sisters joined one of their older brother's dungeon campaigns. Rabbit was recruited for her powerful magic and her sister inserted herself because of her capabilities and hardwork/dedication.
• Admist her brother's entourage, there was Horsie, who was a very talented soldier that had become their brother's friend.
• They met each other and both sisters fell for Horsie, while Horsie fell for Rabbit.
• Rabbit didn't know that her sister liked Horsie because she was too insecure/proud to admit it.
• Rabbit wasn't allowed to date*, but when Horsie reciprocated her, they ended up starting a relationship.
• *(Mages were feared and repressed in their customs. After finding her magic, Rabbit was demoted from princess to servant and expected to fufill the royalty's every wish and have none of her own. There is a lot of abuse included in here so that she would not have "selfish desires")
• Even after their dungeon campaign ended, Horsie would sneak in the tower Rabbit was kept isolated (to train her magic and make her a sad little mage) to see her. They were very in love with each other.
• Eventually they were found and while they were prohibited from seeing each other, they wouldn't be punished further since her brother and sister covered for the two of them.
• Important to notice that one of the reasons why berserker magic is feared and shunned, it's because it's a "liar's magic", used to trick and deceive. In her culture they used to say that a mage can never find true love because they enchant their partner to love them. After being told that many times, Rabbit herself started to doubt whether she had casted a spell on him or not.
• Anyway, during the whole incident, the sister did end up admiting to brother that she liked Horsie, so in a slip of a tongue, when Horsie and brother were talking and he was airing his frustrations about Rabbit's predicament, their brother suggested Horsie to date her sister instead, which made Horsie very upset and he punched him.
• After punching a prince, Horsie was severely punished. Locked inside a dungeon, tortured and disfigured. The sister tried desperatedly to vouch for him but their family didn't care for her pleas.
• Rabbit sneaked out of her tower to rescue him. Called him stupid 100 times admist her tears, and used her magic to heal him.
• However Rabbit's magic wasn't as strong back then as it is today so she couldn't heal people easily. She used the skin and flesh of her arms and legs to convert into thread to sew Horsie back to shape again.
• He noticed she smelled like blood and when he saw the wounds in her arms and legs, he felt regret for the first time in that whole incident.
• She explained that he wasn't really healed, she was just keeping him together with her magic, and that he should bathe in the waters of a mythical hot spring to complete the healing and allow her to release her magic from him.
• Rabbit told him to escape, and he asked her to run with him. Rabbit refused, telling him that if she ran, they'd be chased down as criminals of the highest order forever. Especially with her being a mage and all of that. She wished for him to live freely and carefreely (like a horsie in open plains. She didn't say that, but that's how I envision it)
• When Horsie insisted they ran, Rabbit stood firm and told him as she cried for him to leave before she erased his memories of her. Heartbroken and with no option, he left alone. The memory of leaving Rabbit with bloody limbs, crying alone in that dungeon would haunt him for the next years.
• Sister actually saw all of this since she too thought of sneaking in the dungeon, carrying medicine and bandages, but when she saw that Rabbit had arrived first, she hid in a corner. She too cried that night when he left.
• Rabbit then proceeded to cover for his escape with magic. She created a fake corpse, hid her wounds and went back to her tower. Her sister was in awe at how she could just make things a reality with her ability.
• Also important to note that this was not easy for Rabbit to do, and using illusion magic on her family would be considered treason of the highest order and she would be executed if found out. Also there were plenty of anti-illusion countermeasures the royal family had in place to protect them from magic, but Rabbit bypassed all of them.
• She overexterted herself yes, but by making a vow that that would be the one only time she'd lie to her family, that made her spells stronger for that one time.
• We change our pov to Horsie now. Wanting for Rabbit to have her literal skin and flesh returned to her, he sought and found the healing springs ASAP. They were deep in a dungeon btw and he had to work his butt off to get there, but he did.
• When he bathed, his wounds started to heal and her thread magic started to become undone and return to her. He felt his wounds opening and closing again and it was painful, but more painful than that was that... When he still had her magic in him, from time to time he'd feel her presence and or her smell around him. When the threads became undone, he broke down as he had indeed left his heart with the "caged rabbit", and the last link he had with her was now gone.
• Horsie then tried his best to move on. He started seeing new women (he was very handsome, so he was always popular), but when it got to the point when the relationship would get serious, he could never do it. He felt that if Rabbit appeared out of nowhere, he would still pick her over the family he would be getting in order to forget her. And Horsie is actually a big family guy, despite his playboy appearance.
• Horsie did wonder if he was bewitched, but he also refused to believe so. He even started to go bounty hunting on mages in hope to understand magic better and got himself a nickname of mage killer. The mages he found were not even close to Rabbit's power though.
• Time passed and Butterfly's country began their war and expansion campaign, and soon they were at war with Rabbit country.
• Even though Rabbit's country was bigger and more powerful, Butterfly's magic completely overturned the tables, making miracle after miracle happen in battles, and disaster after disaster strike their enemies. All of Rabbit's older siblings and royal relatives were perishing. Rabbit's magic was not on pair with Butterfly's at all.
• When their favored older brother prince, heir of the throne, got killed, Rabbit used everything in her ability to extend his life using her magic and that did allow them to regain a little bit of momentum.
• But then Rabbit herself got kidnapped by Butterfly country spies and her magic was undone, killing the heir prince. However, since Rabbit proved to be their last hope to stand against Butterfly's empire, they sent a rescue squad for her.
• Meanwhile Horsie was hard at work during war times. He couldn't enlist as a soldier anymore after the whole incident, since he's supposed to be dead and if found alive both him and rabbit will be scrutinized, so he worked as a mercenary, sheltering war refugees, and training and leading his own small army of civilians. Horsie is very badass.
• He caught wind that Rabbit was kidnapped and participated in her rescue, which also ended up having him and her sister meet again, as she was also participating in the rescue. She felt attracted to him again.
• The rescue mission was succesful, but Rabbit was very emotionally and physically battered. It broke Horsie's heart seeing her like this, being brought back to the castle so they could use her magic further.
• Horsie was very popular and seen as a hero by the people, so sister saw great use in joining forces with him, to strengthen the now decadent kingdom. Sister herself during the war became a very prominent figure, she proved her capabilities and ended up becoming the new favored heir of the kingdom. She proposed he'd become the new king with her as his queen so that they could both protect Rabbit.
• He refused her proposal but agreed to join forces with her. He returned to the castle with the intent of watching over Rabbit.
• However sister didn't let him see Rabbit in her tower because she figured he'd run away with her and abandon her. Sister was also power tripping for the first time since she became the new queen.
• Convinced that Rabbit had him enchanted to love her, sister then wanted to get him for herself. Afterall, nobody cared for rabbit until she began using magic. There was nothing to love about either of them. And in parallel, sister was only able to achieve things through perseverance and power. Sister then drugged horsie and slept with him pretending to be rabbit. :(
• Horsie almost killed her when he realized what was going on, but by then she told him she was already pregnant (took him some time, he was very drugged and confused for a while). He still almost killed her, but couldn't bring himself to do so.
• Incapable of abandoning either rabbit and now also his unborn child (to a mother he hated), sister convinced horsie in his lowest moment to marry her. If he was a royal he'd have full access to Rabbit.
• Horsie, despite feeling degraded, was having a hard time accepting and dealing with the fact he was assaulted, and ended up accepting the marriage. And he was finally able to take Rabbit out of her tower too.
• Of course Rabbit was distraught at seeing him AND THEN learning that he married his sister and she was expecting his child, on top of her already physical and mental exhaustion of that whole war.
• When Rabbit asked with anger in her voice why he came back, he lied and told her he wanted revenge on her family for beating him up. She knew it was a lie, but it was better to believe that lie than to believe he had come back for her.
• Rabbit and Horsie barely talked then, but Horsie was able to order her as her king now, and literally ordered her to be cared for. So her physical health does get better. Rabbit was also one track minded to serve them as her king and queen, burying all her feelings. Horsie was also burying everything and just focusing on leading the war.
• They buried themselves underneath so many lies. So much as fearing the "liar's magic", the whole castle was built and sustained on lies.
• Months have passed and as sister's pregnancy advanced, horsie wondered why sister didn't seem to be preparing for the birth of the baby. When the baby was stillborn, he realized she knew all along that the child would not live... Because she drugged horsie so heavily for the baby's conception that there was a high chance the drugs would affect it and it would not make it. And that was the breaking straw for horsie, he just didn't have emotional resources anymore to deal with the everything that has happened.
• He didn't get angry, he just became a shell of himself. By that point, sister was also regretting heavily what she did as well. Knowingly dooming her baby for her own purposes, destroying the man she loved, betraying her sister who was still loyaly devoted to her, everything caught up to her. With everything around her crumbling, the kingdom was also crumbling.
• That was when sister ordered horsie and rabbit to enter a dungeon and bring back a sacred treasure that would save the kingdom. They went, and while Rabbit was steadfast determined in bringing the treasure, as the track became more and more treacherous and the rest of the squad couldn't keep up, horsie would order them to return to the surface.
• The time outside the castle inside the dungeon, away from rabbit's sister, helped horsie recover a little. He understood that they wouldn't find any treasure. The kingdom was ruined. All he could do now was leave it all behind and watch over rabbit.
• Eventually they fought, because Rabbit was frustrated he had no intention of saving her sister, not knowing anything that happened between the two of them. "Why did he even marry her just to use and abandon her then?". And when confronted, Horsie did not want to face or talk about what happened to him, so he lied. Played it off sarcastically.
• He immediately regretted as soon as the words came out of his mouth but it was too late. Rabbit felt intense anger for a split second and before both could react, the ground under his feet collapsed and he fell deep inside the dungeon.
• Rabbit panicked and jumped after him but she lost sight of him in the darkness and they never saw each other again.

annnnddd that's the summarized version but i don't feel like i can proofread this right now and add the right thematic moments. i should sleep oh no i wasted too much time on this it's midnightttttt. But anyway. Still work I guess. Rabbit/horsie gaiden. I think I might end up ressurrecting horsie sooner than i thought.

Also rabbit meeting horsie again and he's all zombified and will mistake her for her sister and try to kill her. So rabbit despite initially thinking that him thinking she was her sister was a good thing to bring him back, soon realizes that something is very wrong. And then will have to loudly proclaim she is who she is so that he can see her and they can finally face each other honestly.