A Tweet About People in their Deathbeds

I saw this tweet as I woke up. It was an inspiring tweet about telling others to live fully so that they don't have regrets when they're dying.

Yesterday I was thinking about... That one girl in my class that I thought was perfect back in high school. I googled her name and google shows me evidence that she is living a perfect life (I know that's never the whole truth duh), but in an interview she did in my old highschool newspaper, she said she'd do (her teenage school years) all over again.

I was floored. I'm still thinking about it from time to time. If I could redo my life, I'd rather not even be born to begin with, much less tread the same steps. I have this pervasive feeling that my childhood and teenage years were worth nothing, as everything that I seem to have gotten from them were grievances. Everything I thought or believed in back then was false, and quickly crumbled as the years passed. My trust in myself, others and the world vanished into thin air.

Honestly it is funny to think about how other people might be living content lives out there. It's a thought so alien to me that a part of me refuses to believe it - that they don't have heartaches to deal with regularly. But even the slight possibility that they exist out there is... I don't know what feeling it gives me. Is it jealousy? Probably some of it is. Is it bright like a shining light? Maybe. Is it a glimmer of hope in the world? I don't know. But this post isn't about this.

I think it's inevitable that we'll all have regrets when we die. Because there is no way to live without making regretable mistakes. We are just not in perfect control of our actions, their effects on others, or simply do not have the knowledge on how to act more appropriatedly. And even in regards to our own life, it's impossible to always make the right decisions and not let opportunities go by. That's just how it is.

But everyday we make a choice. On how to live our lives, how to spend our every second. Even if the choice is not always in our full control, we still have some say in it. That's when it's pertinent to apply the "live without regrets" motto.

I... I think there's a high chance I'll die filled with regret. And worryingly, a part of me is actually looking forward to it. "What will I regret?" - I wonder. What did it matter most to me in the end, now that I'm about to lose it all? Having a near death experience in order to figure what matters most in life seems so alluring, but at the same time, finding out the answer to that question when death is unavoidable doesn't scare me away.

Maybe the pain will be unbearable. And well, non ironically, I'll probably regret this very thought of desiring it. But I'm being honest with where my thoughts and feelings are right now. I have a death wish. I wish to know if I'll really be in pain when I die, in order to know that this life meant anything important to me. Because when my thoughts tell me I'd rather not exist, if I feel anything at all, it is comfort.

Always looking for an excuse not to die. Everyday, with every choice. If there really is a world out there that isn't like this, it seems like a fairy tale.