"When I finish drawing all my comics I can finally kill myself"

 8)

why the f was this so MOTIVATING???? FUUUCKK

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS IT'S COMIC TIME BABYYYY

...

...

...

I AM SO GODDAMN HAPPY XDDD I FEEL SO FREE! Is this what they call that concerning moment when a suicidal person decides to kill themselves and they suddenly feel super light and happy?? XD SHIT BUT I DON"T CARE I FEEL SO LIGHT AND SO GOOD

There's like a light at the end of the tunnel!! I have a goal again!! Nothing else can hurt me cuz I can finally DIE you know, nothing matters!

Man. I'm sorry if you're reading this but truth is it'll take my whole life to draw all my comics and so many things can happen until then. Sure this is not OK in the slightest and highly concerning but I'm taking what I got. I'm riding this FEEL GOOD wave and let chance take me wherever it wants.


I'm so happy I can finally die ahhhh...


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so apparently that means i just jumped from passive suicide ideation to active. I'm still feeling ELATED. Years and months trying to deny my intrusive thoughts about dying and AS SOON as i embrace them I FEEL SO GOOD. I've never been so motivated to draw my comic now that I have a goal that I actually care about AND nobody can take away from me which apparently is that I don't want to live man.

Again, I'm not worried about putting myself in danger right now because it'll take me 40+ years to finish drawing all my comics probably. And I just want to feel good and without crippling anxiety which is what this new wave of emotions is producing right now. THAT SAID i also don't feel safe to be driving on the highway because there may be an actual desire to drive my car off a cliff. I'll see how I feel in the next few days and decide if it's a good idea for me to drive.

another side of bad effects is that I'm feeling extremely death positive right now, even kinda feeling happy for people who died which is KINDA BAD HUH. There's a LOT of cognitive distortion going in my head to try to justify my death seeking emotions, which primarily includes vilifying or emotionally detaching from my whole family.

and to top it off this is not the correct spirit for me to be drawing my comic with and neither it is the message i wanted to convey. I risk thus making my once sincere messages quite fake since what I'm feeling right now is completely different.

and lastly the final conclusion that i have right now is that this is getting super close to me needing to ask for professional help. i still won't do it because as i said im not in immediate danger, i want to draw my comics first, but if it keeps getting worse, iono.

But dang DO I FEEL GOOD. I feel fucking giddy. I LOVE the idea of dying man.

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Diary thingy 02/03/2024

Fui buscar a Midi de manhã. Não lavei a louça. Deh veio hoje. Tava meio deprê. Fiquei esquisita durante a visita inteira. Estava deprê a manhã inteira. Comi um monte. Pastel de belem, pão de queijo, almocei praticamente 3 vezes. Hoje teve yakissoba. Frieren foi perfeito. Muito muito bom. Comecei a desenhar lá pelas 17h. Terminei de pintar uma rei agora a 1am. A energia acabou duas vezes hoje. Depois de ter apagado pela primeira vez eu fui dormir ao invés de andar ou tentar desenhar de novo. Não saí com os cachorros hoje, mas toquei um pouco de piano. Finalmente cortei as unhas do pé tb. Conversei com a bassa tb. Boa conversa, meu humor está um pouco melhor agora a noite, mas preciso dormir.
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Reasons to not kill yourself:

 Your parents will think that they have failed you They have. Your siblings will miss your voice. I don't have siblings. Your pets will be waiting for you to come home. They'll move on just fine. Your best friend will be missing their other half. I don't have a best friend. Your mom will remember the way you smile when you eat the food she made for you. I don't care. You'll never be able to listen to your favorite song ever again. I don't care. You'll never be able to achieve your dream. I won't be able to anyways. You'll never know if you met the one. I'll never meet them anyway. There's always a way to solve your problem. Nope. My angry reactions to a short vid about me searching why life is worth living lmao Comments: "Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else" - Kakashi Hatake pft. My eyes rolled to the back of the skull first time i read it though. I'm fine though in the sense that I'm not acti...
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