Ruri's writing a blog

  (minutes before he was hubbynapped) fl i was going to write more about hubby story but i already moved on to other people's stories. maybe i'll draw some sei sketches later.

    People who struggle with intrinsic motivation understand. Moving for yourself is hard.     I'm in a situation where I currently forgot. Forgot why. Forgot how. Maybe tired. Maybe blown off tracks. Maybe just having a phase. Maybe I'm so excited about Kimetsu tomorrow that I'm in that anticipation paralysis. I feel like I'm losing sight of everything.    How should I act to return to that state where I was driven, content? I am inclined to let myself sink a little more in this pit so I can feel again - the real fear of losing myself - in order to move. That feels like the path of least resistence. The image of Sei letting himself sink into deep dark waters always comes to mind. So peaceful. But Sei is immortal and had a real death wish. I have a living wish that I wish to retrieve. Maybe I should sink myself in the pool, fully knowing that I don't want to drown. Maybe that will wake up some desire to live back in me.     I'll try to move my bod...

      Today is my mother's birthday. I made her a little origami rose in a little origami box - that was the best I could muster. Woke up still hearing that I want to die - the usual intrusive thought that appears when I'm gloomy but doesn't mean I feel suicidal - and when it was time to eat out I didn't have the insight to hide my genuine reaction of "I don't want to go, I'm relieved I get to stay home". Well, we're still going out at night so it wasn't the main event for today, but after they left I was worried she got upset I didn't even bother to pretend I was happy to spend time with her. Well, I'm not. She and stepdad bicker a lot so I have to mentally leave my body everytime we spend time together. Thankfully she isn't acting upset with me, but I feel like she is a bit gloomy as well.     "I woke up depressed" is what my mother said to me with a weak smile this morning. Because she's 61 now, she said. I think it...

     Continuing with my overall gloomy mood. Hah, it's probably because I haven't drawn much in a while - I always start losing spirit when I don't. Zelda was great, but it is like a drug, addictive, great when I'm in the middle of it, and as soon as I return to the real world and I feel even more miserable than before. But it's fine, it's not like I'd rather not experience Zelda. Just part of the ups and downs of this lifestyle.     Talking about ups... and downs. When I'm in this mood I feel a tight squeeze in my chest, as if my heart was sitting in an uncomfortable position and was getting sore. This soreness tends to build up slowly until I reflexively blurt out, inside my thoughts or talking out loud, that I want to die. I don't really do though. And I mean it, I don't feel like dying. The "I want to die" combination of words just seem to alleviate my inner discomfort for a while. Like letting the steam out of a pressure pot. Which...

PMS could have been the reason, but it's not like I don't have topics to have glomy thoughts about. These past few days my "want to die" intrusive thoughts have returned and I also dove back to the usual hole of lamenting things that happened in the past, things that I was, things that I am, things that I feel helpless to do anything about. I think that is my biggest hurdle. I feel helpless. If I can't have agency about things that matter to me, I enter a self destructive spiral. If I can't set healthy boundaries, I redirect the resentment that should be going towards others towards myself. And a lot of the energy I should spend towards something positive goes to managing my broken psyche. I want to stop thinking about the past. About things that have been said or done. 99% of these things hold absolutely no meaning, but I cling to them as if they were a life sentence. I don't know why. I realize now that they were said clumsily, without any thought behin...

Paraphrasing a conversation we just had as we were walking the dogs. me: "So apparently today is the world's oldest dog's birthday." mom: "What do you mean?" me: "... There's a dog... Who they say it's the oldest in the world... And it's his birthday today. 31 years old. It's a portuguese dog." mom: "From Portugal?" me: "Yes, he's from Portugal. They say he only eats human food, and he's very fat. The kind of dog that you would call a "turtle dog". He doesn't look all that old either, his snout isn't white. Makes me wonder if they counted his age right (laughter)." mom: "It's probably fake because he eats human food. It's fake news." me: "Mom. 'Apparently'." -- End of conversation -- I really hope I am remembering everything right, because even in written form she sounds unfriendly. But yeah, I'd say at least 6 times out of 10 (I'd say higher, ...

Feeling quite shitty right now. Not too much, just a bit. My back is arching. My dog is in my lap. I'm considering whether I should have a spoken blog instead, or a vlog, so that I could practice talking. I got distracted again. They say writing a blog traditionally, with pen and paper, is best, but I feel more comfortable writing like this. It's less intimate. At the same time I also prefer having it public. I starve for human connection - I am already isolated enough. My cat is crying for what I perhaps think is food. I'm considering vlogging when I walk the dogs. I'm not going to, that sounds cumbersome. Applying positive changes to lifestyle doesn't feel rewarding, but dropping everything makes me feel like crap. I'm tired of i-don't-know-what and I want to lay down. But instead I'm trying to move whatever body part I can manage right now. Recovering from this period of what may or may not have been hypomania, who am I to know, is probably going to t...